Going Home, My Adoption Story...

I decided today to make every Monday my post day. By Monday, I have usually learned a lot of new tips over the week-end for coping with daily stressors. For those of you who don't know me other than through my blog, I would like to share with you an integral part of my life story. I believe it's important to share here with you because of the fundamental role that my adoption literally played in "shaping" who I am. I now know this was the beginning of my disordered eating.

As you know, I am a mental health technician, and am very interested in helping others' that are either adopted themselves, or contemplating adoption. In my case, it was both. Husband and I lost 2 adoptions and considering adoption was a very unique perspective for me to take. I had always looked at adoption from the adoptee's point-of-view. Suddenly, I was asking myself if I would be capable of loving an adopted child as much as much as my biological child. Until that time, it never occurred to me that my adoptive parents' probably had the very same concerns because they had a 15 year old son at home when my adoption was finalized.

Again, the point of posting my story is to allow readers considering adoption to realize there is a threshold one crosses when they are adopted. I knew my adoption story all my life because my parents told me until I understood. Although they knew the negative traits both birth parents possessed, they chose to give me a positive rendition of the actual truth. Yes, I knew my birth parents' were irresponsible, alcoholics, liars, etc., but with early counseling and intervention, my parents' knew that a child will jump to the defense of their parents' if they are portrayed in a negative light. I think the same holds true for divorce situations. When two people choose to divorce, typically the children feel obligated to side with one or the other parent. However, if one can make the decision to keep the negative to themselves, that information that REALLY doesn't involve the children, and focus on the positive, it creates' a much more positive role model for the children to emulate. I believe emulating birth parents' is natural. Why not give them something positive to pattern versus putting them on the defensive? Mom and dad always talked to me about my birth fathers' artistic abilities or my birth mother's way with people. This attitude creates a win/win situation.

After years of exposure to my birth father, I learned for myself his weaknesses, but did not feel the need to protect or defend him. Instead, I was taught that he was family,he had some weaknesses, as we all do, and to treat him with respect. Years later, through meeting siblings, I learned that both parents' were actually much less admirable than my adoptive parents' would have me believe. Again, they wanted me to cling to the positive traits of each biological parent.

My understanding is that prior to the age of one, my birth mother was in the hospital. We lived in a cabin in Kentucky without running water and electricity. The older children were eating and defecating in trash cans in a closet. My birth father was painting while I was the youngest lying in a crib with pneumonia and asthma. We were removed by The State after my adoptive parents' came in for a visit and to bring supplies. We were then placed in a Foster Home with folks that were Seventh Day Adventists. The story goes, they sold us to a family in Arizona, were caught at the airport and taken to Shawn Acres Orphanage in Dayton, Ohio. After the adoptions went through, we were recovered from Shawn Acres, and placed in our permanent homes. Prior to this, My understanding is that our diet was very limited as I'm sure it was at Shawn Acres. From the moment I walked into our home, food was love. At 2 years old, I remember chicken noodle soup in my highchair. Mom was always big on "special treats" for "good girls". My parents' had a favorite restaurant that would serve me whipped butter in sherbet dishes, because I loved it. Their tendency early on and truthfully for the rest of my life, was to make sure I never did without again. Unfortunately, this pattern of never being allowed to experience deprivation taught me I had no limits or boundaries. I find it amazing, after raising a child of my own, that I became the woman I am today. I think I had a self intervention just in the nick of time.

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you're probably thinking, YEAH, that's the Carolyn "Carrie" I know; Tenacious, not to be denied, loves a challenge, a Game On kind of gal. Those traits have brought me to a beautiful place in my life today simply because somehow, by the Grace of God, I learned to temper the traits that could have instead turned me into a monster with a more modified version of confidence. Maybe I would have become the same person without having been adopted, but I doubt it. I've seen glimmers of similarities in my birth siblings, but my adoptive parents' took away the sense of abandonment I could have had and replaced it instead with confidence and the feeling of having support. My dad always said, you can do or be anything you want with enough hard work, and desire; we are here for you. Really, unconditionally, they were truly the most loving, accepting, supportive people I've ever known. As you will read, it was just their way. They counseled many couples out of divorce, took in my brother's friend who needed a home. He went on to become an equal partner in our family business, took my dear friend in from school, always had an in-law they were caring for or dropping clothes and food off to the needy.

The point of sharing this with you is, as grandparents that are raising grandchildren or for those considering adoption, remember, it's called spoiled for a reason. My only saving grace is that I was taught through example, a work ethic, and learned, really learned, to live by the quote my mother lived by, "do unto others' as you would have them do unto you". That quote alone sums everything up for how I try to live my life. As you will read in my story, after all these years, in the core of my being, I feel I came from my mother, my adoptive mother. She is the woman who taught me unconditional love for your children, and I am her child. For those that knew my mom, I find it the greatest compliment when someone says, "oh, that's just the way Dorothy would have done that", or "you look just like your mom". As the years have passed, the greatest gift of all to me has been that most of us, myself included, have forgotten that I was adopted.

Until Next Time, CT