Hello friends, Sorry for my absence, but I recently lost my brother to cancer and have been licking my wounds. With a lot of self reflection, I have come to realize that during times of sorrow, pain, happiness, bliss, just about every emotion I experience, I reach for food. Food has an amazing ability to sooth, nurture, distract and move the focus, happy or sad for me. For the first time in my life, I am aware of my natural tendency ...to run to food. After 40+ years of this disordered eating, I have finally figured out that eating is almost always a social, communal activity for me; The act of eating in and of itself, fights loneliness. Very seldom do I eat alone and if I do, I never overeat. This leads me to believe that I should always eat alone because I am not distracted by the community relationship that I love so much and am eating for sustenance only. I'm learning that I can be social without it involving food or at the very least, it doesn't have to be excessive or unhealthy food.
At the last posting, I advised you that the scale would not move. Well, it's moved in a big way. I won't mention the number, but I am ready to break below a triple digit number that begins with a 2 for the first time in 10 years. To date, I have lost 62 pounds. I began in November and made it through the Holiday's without a gain. I am very pleased with my progress and it's been the least painful weight loss I've ever experienced. For the first time, I don't have an end date in mind, or a special occasion ahead that I am racing toward a weight goal for. Also, this blog has kept me honest; Not only with myself, but accountable and honest with you.
WillPower is the next topic I would like to broach. I have CRAZY willpower once I make up my mind. The other term for this ability is OCD. If I do something, typically I do it large or not at all. I am the queen of that all or nothing mentality. Well, I am here to tell you folks, that trait alone is the cause of failure for me. If I am going to be so stringent with myself, that I won't allow for 10 extra calories, carbs, or whatever, that all or nothing mentality represents failure for me, and if I fall off the wagon by just 10 calories, I've already ruined the day so I might as well eat what I want today, and start this all over again tomorrow. The problem with that is, tomorrow often doesn't come for 10 years. Reason being, is that it's impossible to live your life with such impossible, unattainable expectations. So all these years, I have been setting myself up for yo-yo dieting, failure, and disappointment.
I can't help but think about my mom when it comes to eating. Now, She was the queen of moderation in her own life, but as I mentioned before, my adoption was the catalyst for her to give to me in excess; food, love, everything. Mom naturally drank 8 glasses of water a day, because she liked water. She never smoked, never used additional table salt, never drank more than 1 drink at a sitting, exercised daily because she felt better when she did, never had seconds, and always had dessert. Mom CONSISTENTLY weighed 125 pounds for as long as I can remember. She was not deprived nor was she a glutton. I think somewhere in my subconscious, I held onto food, make-up, clothes, everything excessively because I was afraid there would come a time that it would all be taken from me or that it would go away, or probably more accurately, I would go back to where there was a lack of. Wow, that got very real...but it's the truth. My husband has mentioned that he recognizes the tendency for that behavior in me. It's not due to any actions on my parents' parts. I believe it is a natural fear of someone who has experienced abandonment; To want too much; too much love from the wrong people, too much everything, because you just don't know if it will come to you again.
Throughout examining the loss of my brother, I had an epiphany. He was the last person in my life to either praise or criticize my weight. Both my brother and my dad had a way of looking at me either in approval or disapproval to let me know they were evaluating my weight and at least they were keeping it in check. The last visit I had with my brother in the hospital, we talked very candidly about weight. He had lost so much and I weighed about 240 pounds. He actually looked at me and said "Kid, I think you look great" and " no matter how much you weigh you are pretty". HOLY SHIT!!! I am free. That is all I have to say...I AM FREE... a burden, self imposed or not, has been lifted. I can weigh whatever I happen to way and still be pretty. Wow! That is earth shattering folks! THE WEIGHT IS LITERALLY FALLING OFF!!! because I am no longer burdened by the scrutiny of others'. I am free to be myself, whatever size that may be. I just may find out I am actually meant to be a size 10 if I don't have someone around making me feel like I have to hang onto ME. I can hang onto me, just a less rotund me.
So, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to explore my behaviors and feelings out loud with you to keep me accountable. You are all like my mental weigh in for my soul . Please continue to share your stories of success and triumph as well as areas that need some work or talking through.
Until next time...CT
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