The two posts are not a mistake.  I wrote one, thought I lost it, but found it and decided to post it anyway because some of the important points I wanted to make didn't make it to the revised post.  In case you haven't noticed, I am bowled over with feelings from the reunion.  LOL!

The dreaded class reunion

Hello friends, sorry it's been so long since my last post, but it was intentional.  I have been stuck at a weight loss plateau after losing 102 pounds this year,  and needed to investigate the cause privately and process before I posted again.  

We just celebrated our class reunion this past week-end and it was awesome, but not without stress.  My thoughts prior to the reunion were something along these lines, "do I really look as old as I feel". "does anyone else really care that I have all  these new wrinkles", "does everyone else have these same trivial concerns", "will I be able to get into the venue without a cane",  and this is where I will stop with this nonsense.  I got the greatest slap of reality at the reunion.  What we look like just doesn't matter as much to anyone else as it does to us.  Honestly, I didn't pass one judgement on anyone either at or after the reunion.  It was just great to spend time with people I grew up with, have loved for years, shared some good and some bad times with, and will hopefully grow some friendships with these people in the coming years.  Let's face it folks, we get wrinkles, we get chunky, our skin get's looser, our hair falls out and our eyesight worsens.  I am just happy to have most of my important parts and have them work reasonably well most of the time.  This is not to say my appearance is not important to me,I haven't completely lost my mind,  but at 55 years old, I'm over worrying about what's to come regarding my appearance.  We have so many better attributes and accomplishments to celebrate; the gift of children, grandchildren, marriages, surviving the loss of parent's and siblings.  Let's not waste our energy and efforts on something we have no control over.  I am not suggesting we turn into complete slugs and disregard taking care of our health.  What I am suggesting is let's support each other with love and celebrate, truly celebrate who we are as we are and HAVE SOME FUN!!!  I plan on getting together with some new/old friends and creating a support system of those who know me and love me as I am where I am.  That my friends is wisdom and self acceptance and frankly sexy as hell as far as I'm concerned.  I don't remember a time thinking my classmates were more beautiful or valuable than at this moment.  We all show some wear, but that is so much more interesting than a blank slate.   

Until next time, CT

 

Hello Friends,  Sorry it's been so long since my last post, but it was intentional.  I have had some personal struggles with this weight loss journey.  I was stuck at a plateau after losing 102 pounds this year.  The thought of facing a class reunion this past weekend and not being at the goal weight I had in mind for this specific occasion was really disturbing to me, and I had to explore the reasons I was unable to personally  celebrate my loss of 102 pounds and instead chose to focus on the fact I hadn't reached that magic number, which I swore I wasn't going to do.

Fast forward to the reunion and let me just say I had a blast.  No one really cares about our appearance as much as we do.  We have all gained some weight, some wrinkles; lost a few things, hair, eyesight, hearing etc., but you know what?  I didn't judge one person there, nor did I judge myself.  I soaked up the communication, the friendship, the support and the love of those that have known me all my life.  Regardless of the number of friendships we develop in our lives, in my humble opinion, there is something so special about being among those that have known you all your life; especially during the formative years when you are trying on who you are going to become.  Reminiscing and laughing about things we did "back then" that maybe weren't so politically correct, but fun making worthy, was really refreshing to me.  I miss the days of being able to laugh at yourself or at someone else's expense without the threat of a lawsuit, or ruining someone's future or fear that your ruining them for life.  We all did stupid things, threw caution to the wind, and I relish the fact that we are able to share those stories and revel in the commonality of being a kid from Trotwood.  I don't care what anyone say's, there is something really special about being a part of the time we grew up in Trotwood.  I believe to this day, I could call a classmate on the phone if I needed help, and even if they didn't know me well, they would help me or find someone that could because we were from Trotwood.   That's what I take from Trotwood.  I know some children of your's that are from Trotwood, and they have the same pride, the same sense of community.   We were a community that had a common bond of growing up in a free, challenging, difficult time and became pretty awesome adults and contributors to society.  I loved seeing the pride on friends faces when they talked about their children, grandchildren, stories about their parent's, and sharing the joy of those that still have their parents.

I don't have my parents, and lost my brother this year, and as I posted previously, have reached the point in my life where the only person left in my life that uses my weight as a barometer of the person I am is ME.  I've let it go.  This reunion brought me full circle.  I recognized people that I found to be improved more interesting versions of themselves.  Yes, we had more lines on our faces, were a little thicker at the waist, a little less hair, but there was such a sense of joy and accomplishment and self acceptance, that I have to tell you, I think that is a whole lot sexier that being self absorbed but flawless.  

It's not that I have completely lost my mind,  I am continuing on this weight loss journey and I am not suggesting that I don't care about my personal appearance, I just learned this week-end that I am going to treat myself with the same care and tenderness that I would a friend.  For me the physicality of who I am is changing on what seems a daily basis at times, but at the core of my being, I am a girl from Trotwood, who made great friends and have wonderful high school memories and learned with all of you the difference in right and wrong and how to be a friend.    This is life, the physical changes are inevitable and they can only be kept at bay for so long, but what we do have to look forward to is the thought that most of the hard stuff is behind us, and what is left is the pleasure of the lives we have made for ourselves and those we choose to share those gifts with.  I've also realized that by being so hung up on the physical changes, I was not living in the moment.

 I look forward to reconnecting with old/new friends and making some new memories.  I hope this inspires some of you to work up the courage to join us at the next reunion especially  if you are having second thoughts because you're afraid you're too heavy or too old looking or TOO SOMETHING...  I walked in feeling that way and left feeling like I went home for the first time in a long time; to people that know me, accept me, and take me as I am where I am...whatever that might be.  Carolyn Wilkinson

Until next time...CT

typo correction "weigh" not "way", although I used to go to Way Less Weigh or was it Weigh Less Way? Can't remember...LOL

NOT Feeding my pain...The weight is falling off!

Hello friends, Sorry for my absence, but I recently lost my brother to cancer and have been licking my wounds. With a lot of self reflection, I have come to realize that during times of sorrow, pain, happiness, bliss, just about every emotion I experience, I reach for food. Food has an amazing ability to sooth, nurture, distract and move the focus, happy or sad for me. For the first time in my life, I am aware of my natural tendency ...to run to food. After 40+ years of this disordered eating, I have finally figured out that eating is almost always a social, communal activity for me; The act of eating in and of itself, fights loneliness. Very seldom do I eat alone and if I do, I never overeat. This leads me to believe that I should always eat alone because I am not distracted by the community relationship that I love so much and am eating for sustenance only. I'm learning that I can be social without it involving food or at the very least, it doesn't have to be excessive or unhealthy food.

At the last posting, I advised you that the scale would not move. Well, it's moved in a big way. I won't mention the number, but I am ready to break below a triple digit number that begins with a 2 for the first time in 10 years. To date, I have lost 62 pounds. I began in November and made it through the Holiday's without a gain. I am very pleased with my progress and it's been the least painful weight loss I've ever experienced. For the first time, I don't have an end date in mind, or a special occasion ahead that I am racing toward a weight goal for. Also, this blog has kept me honest; Not only with myself, but accountable and honest with you.

WillPower is the next topic I would like to broach. I have CRAZY willpower once I make up my mind. The other term for this ability is OCD. If I do something, typically I do it large or not at all. I am the queen of that all or nothing mentality. Well, I am here to tell you folks, that trait alone is the cause of failure for me. If I am going to be so stringent with myself, that I won't allow for 10 extra calories, carbs, or whatever, that all or nothing mentality represents failure for me, and if I fall off the wagon by just 10 calories, I've already ruined the day so I might as well eat what I want today, and start this all over again tomorrow. The problem with that is, tomorrow often doesn't come for 10 years. Reason being, is that it's impossible to live your life with such impossible, unattainable expectations. So all these years, I have been setting myself up for yo-yo dieting, failure, and disappointment.

I can't help but think about my mom when it comes to eating. Now, She was the queen of moderation in her own life, but as I mentioned before, my adoption was the catalyst for her to give to me in excess; food, love, everything. Mom naturally drank 8 glasses of water a day, because she liked water. She never smoked, never used additional table salt, never drank more than 1 drink at a sitting, exercised daily because she felt better when she did, never had seconds, and always had dessert. Mom CONSISTENTLY weighed 125 pounds for as long as I can remember. She was not deprived nor was she a glutton. I think somewhere in my subconscious, I held onto food, make-up, clothes, everything excessively because I was afraid there would come a time that it would all be taken from me or that it would go away, or probably more accurately, I would go back to where there was a lack of. Wow, that got very real...but it's the truth. My husband has mentioned that he recognizes the tendency for that behavior in me. It's not due to any actions on my parents' parts. I believe it is a natural fear of someone who has experienced abandonment; To want too much; too much love from the wrong people, too much everything, because you just don't know if it will come to you again.

Throughout examining the loss of my brother, I had an epiphany. He was the last person in my life to either praise or criticize my weight. Both my brother and my dad had a way of looking at me either in approval or disapproval to let me know they were evaluating my weight and at least they were keeping it in check. The last visit I had with my brother in the hospital, we talked very candidly about weight. He had lost so much and I weighed about 240 pounds. He actually looked at me and said "Kid, I think you look great" and " no matter how much you weigh you are pretty". HOLY SHIT!!! I am free. That is all I have to say...I AM FREE... a burden, self imposed or not, has been lifted. I can weigh whatever I happen to way and still be pretty. Wow! That is earth shattering folks! THE WEIGHT IS LITERALLY FALLING OFF!!! because I am no longer burdened by the scrutiny of others'. I am free to be myself, whatever size that may be. I just may find out I am actually meant to be a size 10 if I don't have someone around making me feel like I have to hang onto ME. I can hang onto me, just a less rotund me.

So, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to explore my behaviors and feelings out loud with you to keep me accountable. You are all like my mental weigh in for my soul . Please continue to share your stories of success and triumph as well as areas that need some work or talking through.

Until next time...CT

Going Home, My Adoption Story...

I decided today to make every Monday my post day. By Monday, I have usually learned a lot of new tips over the week-end for coping with daily stressors. For those of you who don't know me other than through my blog, I would like to share with you an integral part of my life story. I believe it's important to share here with you because of the fundamental role that my adoption literally played in "shaping" who I am. I now know this was the beginning of my disordered eating.

As you know, I am a mental health technician, and am very interested in helping others' that are either adopted themselves, or contemplating adoption. In my case, it was both. Husband and I lost 2 adoptions and considering adoption was a very unique perspective for me to take. I had always looked at adoption from the adoptee's point-of-view. Suddenly, I was asking myself if I would be capable of loving an adopted child as much as much as my biological child. Until that time, it never occurred to me that my adoptive parents' probably had the very same concerns because they had a 15 year old son at home when my adoption was finalized.

Again, the point of posting my story is to allow readers considering adoption to realize there is a threshold one crosses when they are adopted. I knew my adoption story all my life because my parents told me until I understood. Although they knew the negative traits both birth parents possessed, they chose to give me a positive rendition of the actual truth. Yes, I knew my birth parents' were irresponsible, alcoholics, liars, etc., but with early counseling and intervention, my parents' knew that a child will jump to the defense of their parents' if they are portrayed in a negative light. I think the same holds true for divorce situations. When two people choose to divorce, typically the children feel obligated to side with one or the other parent. However, if one can make the decision to keep the negative to themselves, that information that REALLY doesn't involve the children, and focus on the positive, it creates' a much more positive role model for the children to emulate. I believe emulating birth parents' is natural. Why not give them something positive to pattern versus putting them on the defensive? Mom and dad always talked to me about my birth fathers' artistic abilities or my birth mother's way with people. This attitude creates a win/win situation.

After years of exposure to my birth father, I learned for myself his weaknesses, but did not feel the need to protect or defend him. Instead, I was taught that he was family,he had some weaknesses, as we all do, and to treat him with respect. Years later, through meeting siblings, I learned that both parents' were actually much less admirable than my adoptive parents' would have me believe. Again, they wanted me to cling to the positive traits of each biological parent.

My understanding is that prior to the age of one, my birth mother was in the hospital. We lived in a cabin in Kentucky without running water and electricity. The older children were eating and defecating in trash cans in a closet. My birth father was painting while I was the youngest lying in a crib with pneumonia and asthma. We were removed by The State after my adoptive parents' came in for a visit and to bring supplies. We were then placed in a Foster Home with folks that were Seventh Day Adventists. The story goes, they sold us to a family in Arizona, were caught at the airport and taken to Shawn Acres Orphanage in Dayton, Ohio. After the adoptions went through, we were recovered from Shawn Acres, and placed in our permanent homes. Prior to this, My understanding is that our diet was very limited as I'm sure it was at Shawn Acres. From the moment I walked into our home, food was love. At 2 years old, I remember chicken noodle soup in my highchair. Mom was always big on "special treats" for "good girls". My parents' had a favorite restaurant that would serve me whipped butter in sherbet dishes, because I loved it. Their tendency early on and truthfully for the rest of my life, was to make sure I never did without again. Unfortunately, this pattern of never being allowed to experience deprivation taught me I had no limits or boundaries. I find it amazing, after raising a child of my own, that I became the woman I am today. I think I had a self intervention just in the nick of time.

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you're probably thinking, YEAH, that's the Carolyn "Carrie" I know; Tenacious, not to be denied, loves a challenge, a Game On kind of gal. Those traits have brought me to a beautiful place in my life today simply because somehow, by the Grace of God, I learned to temper the traits that could have instead turned me into a monster with a more modified version of confidence. Maybe I would have become the same person without having been adopted, but I doubt it. I've seen glimmers of similarities in my birth siblings, but my adoptive parents' took away the sense of abandonment I could have had and replaced it instead with confidence and the feeling of having support. My dad always said, you can do or be anything you want with enough hard work, and desire; we are here for you. Really, unconditionally, they were truly the most loving, accepting, supportive people I've ever known. As you will read, it was just their way. They counseled many couples out of divorce, took in my brother's friend who needed a home. He went on to become an equal partner in our family business, took my dear friend in from school, always had an in-law they were caring for or dropping clothes and food off to the needy.

The point of sharing this with you is, as grandparents that are raising grandchildren or for those considering adoption, remember, it's called spoiled for a reason. My only saving grace is that I was taught through example, a work ethic, and learned, really learned, to live by the quote my mother lived by, "do unto others' as you would have them do unto you". That quote alone sums everything up for how I try to live my life. As you will read in my story, after all these years, in the core of my being, I feel I came from my mother, my adoptive mother. She is the woman who taught me unconditional love for your children, and I am her child. For those that knew my mom, I find it the greatest compliment when someone says, "oh, that's just the way Dorothy would have done that", or "you look just like your mom". As the years have passed, the greatest gift of all to me has been that most of us, myself included, have forgotten that I was adopted.

Until Next Time, CT

Caring for Elders

Lately, I've heard more and more friends talking about caring for either their parents' or grandparents'. The most common scenario is that typically females are the ones that add this task to their list of responsibilities which is another obstacle in our taking necessary time to care for ourselves. Unfortunately, self care is usually already in deficit status.

I know when my mother was hospitalized the final time with Alzheimer's, Husband and I had been going along at a pretty good clip with our eating. We had both lost substantial weight but late nights at the hospital, no time for meal prep, emotional eating, and barely having time to shower or sleep put an end to our healthy lifestyle that time. I don't know about you, but when I am stressed I self medicate with comfort food; Especially when my mother was concerned. My mom defined the saying "food is love". Sitting with mom in the hospital, I found myself craving her meatloaf, SOS, chili, chocolate chip cookies, and all the things that mom made so special. To this day, long after her passing, I find since I gave up smoking cigarettes in 1997, when stressed, my intermediate, knee-jerk response is to go to familiar comfort foods.

Within my clientele, I have a new acquaintance that is caring for both parents'. She is an only child and has had a life long struggle with weight. Like most of us, she has had her periods of "mainstream BABE DOM", but has again put weight loss, working out and health on hold to care for her parents'. Recently she began working out and is raving about how much less stress she has and how quickly she felt better; Not just physically but emotionally as well. We all know this don't we?

If not now, in the future you can bet we will all have to deal with being caretakers. While reading the March issue of Woman's Day, I ran across the article entitled " Stop Caregiver Burnout". I will provide you with some links that just may open the door for you to seek respite care or just offer you someone to talk with that can become part of YOUR support system. You may view the article in its' entirety at the aforementioned link.

Eldercare Locator: eldercare.gov 800-677-1116
Family Caregiver Alliance: National Center for Caregiving: caregiver.org
Leading Age: leadingage.org
Lotsa Helping Hands: lotsahelpinghands.com
SNAP for Seniors: snapforseniors.com
Visiting Nurse Associations of America: vnaa.org

For some time now, as our lives have changed and we have taken on more and more responsibility, we have begun to suffer from health conditions that were once attributed primarily to males. Heart Attacks, Stroke etc. Remember, what makes us unique as women, and the one support system women use more often than men, is sharing our burdens with friends, sisters, and moms. I'm not short on friends, but don't have sisters or a mother so I find myself having a greater appreciation of my female friendships. You girls that allow me to vent so I can go home and be a better woman, wife and mom help keep me healthy. Please don't underestimate the value of this. Sharing is a valuable component of being a woman. We cry, we confide, whine, complain, support and move on. Healthy venting is normal and a very useful tool. It gives us common ground so we don't feel isolated or like you are the only one with your particular woes. Access to this resource alone is the single most important purpose of this blog. Feel free to use our blog to reach out to others' that may be living in the solution, maybe your solution.

Who cares for the Caregiver? You do!

Until Next Time, CT