Going Home, My Adoption Story...

I decided today to make every Monday my post day. By Monday, I have usually learned a lot of new tips over the week-end for coping with daily stressors. For those of you who don't know me other than through my blog, I would like to share with you an integral part of my life story. I believe it's important to share here with you because of the fundamental role that my adoption literally played in "shaping" who I am. I now know this was the beginning of my disordered eating.

As you know, I am a mental health technician, and am very interested in helping others' that are either adopted themselves, or contemplating adoption. In my case, it was both. Husband and I lost 2 adoptions and considering adoption was a very unique perspective for me to take. I had always looked at adoption from the adoptee's point-of-view. Suddenly, I was asking myself if I would be capable of loving an adopted child as much as much as my biological child. Until that time, it never occurred to me that my adoptive parents' probably had the very same concerns because they had a 15 year old son at home when my adoption was finalized.

Again, the point of posting my story is to allow readers considering adoption to realize there is a threshold one crosses when they are adopted. I knew my adoption story all my life because my parents told me until I understood. Although they knew the negative traits both birth parents possessed, they chose to give me a positive rendition of the actual truth. Yes, I knew my birth parents' were irresponsible, alcoholics, liars, etc., but with early counseling and intervention, my parents' knew that a child will jump to the defense of their parents' if they are portrayed in a negative light. I think the same holds true for divorce situations. When two people choose to divorce, typically the children feel obligated to side with one or the other parent. However, if one can make the decision to keep the negative to themselves, that information that REALLY doesn't involve the children, and focus on the positive, it creates' a much more positive role model for the children to emulate. I believe emulating birth parents' is natural. Why not give them something positive to pattern versus putting them on the defensive? Mom and dad always talked to me about my birth fathers' artistic abilities or my birth mother's way with people. This attitude creates a win/win situation.

After years of exposure to my birth father, I learned for myself his weaknesses, but did not feel the need to protect or defend him. Instead, I was taught that he was family,he had some weaknesses, as we all do, and to treat him with respect. Years later, through meeting siblings, I learned that both parents' were actually much less admirable than my adoptive parents' would have me believe. Again, they wanted me to cling to the positive traits of each biological parent.

My understanding is that prior to the age of one, my birth mother was in the hospital. We lived in a cabin in Kentucky without running water and electricity. The older children were eating and defecating in trash cans in a closet. My birth father was painting while I was the youngest lying in a crib with pneumonia and asthma. We were removed by The State after my adoptive parents' came in for a visit and to bring supplies. We were then placed in a Foster Home with folks that were Seventh Day Adventists. The story goes, they sold us to a family in Arizona, were caught at the airport and taken to Shawn Acres Orphanage in Dayton, Ohio. After the adoptions went through, we were recovered from Shawn Acres, and placed in our permanent homes. Prior to this, My understanding is that our diet was very limited as I'm sure it was at Shawn Acres. From the moment I walked into our home, food was love. At 2 years old, I remember chicken noodle soup in my highchair. Mom was always big on "special treats" for "good girls". My parents' had a favorite restaurant that would serve me whipped butter in sherbet dishes, because I loved it. Their tendency early on and truthfully for the rest of my life, was to make sure I never did without again. Unfortunately, this pattern of never being allowed to experience deprivation taught me I had no limits or boundaries. I find it amazing, after raising a child of my own, that I became the woman I am today. I think I had a self intervention just in the nick of time.

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you're probably thinking, YEAH, that's the Carolyn "Carrie" I know; Tenacious, not to be denied, loves a challenge, a Game On kind of gal. Those traits have brought me to a beautiful place in my life today simply because somehow, by the Grace of God, I learned to temper the traits that could have instead turned me into a monster with a more modified version of confidence. Maybe I would have become the same person without having been adopted, but I doubt it. I've seen glimmers of similarities in my birth siblings, but my adoptive parents' took away the sense of abandonment I could have had and replaced it instead with confidence and the feeling of having support. My dad always said, you can do or be anything you want with enough hard work, and desire; we are here for you. Really, unconditionally, they were truly the most loving, accepting, supportive people I've ever known. As you will read, it was just their way. They counseled many couples out of divorce, took in my brother's friend who needed a home. He went on to become an equal partner in our family business, took my dear friend in from school, always had an in-law they were caring for or dropping clothes and food off to the needy.

The point of sharing this with you is, as grandparents that are raising grandchildren or for those considering adoption, remember, it's called spoiled for a reason. My only saving grace is that I was taught through example, a work ethic, and learned, really learned, to live by the quote my mother lived by, "do unto others' as you would have them do unto you". That quote alone sums everything up for how I try to live my life. As you will read in my story, after all these years, in the core of my being, I feel I came from my mother, my adoptive mother. She is the woman who taught me unconditional love for your children, and I am her child. For those that knew my mom, I find it the greatest compliment when someone says, "oh, that's just the way Dorothy would have done that", or "you look just like your mom". As the years have passed, the greatest gift of all to me has been that most of us, myself included, have forgotten that I was adopted.

Until Next Time, CT

Caring for Elders

Lately, I've heard more and more friends talking about caring for either their parents' or grandparents'. The most common scenario is that typically females are the ones that add this task to their list of responsibilities which is another obstacle in our taking necessary time to care for ourselves. Unfortunately, self care is usually already in deficit status.

I know when my mother was hospitalized the final time with Alzheimer's, Husband and I had been going along at a pretty good clip with our eating. We had both lost substantial weight but late nights at the hospital, no time for meal prep, emotional eating, and barely having time to shower or sleep put an end to our healthy lifestyle that time. I don't know about you, but when I am stressed I self medicate with comfort food; Especially when my mother was concerned. My mom defined the saying "food is love". Sitting with mom in the hospital, I found myself craving her meatloaf, SOS, chili, chocolate chip cookies, and all the things that mom made so special. To this day, long after her passing, I find since I gave up smoking cigarettes in 1997, when stressed, my intermediate, knee-jerk response is to go to familiar comfort foods.

Within my clientele, I have a new acquaintance that is caring for both parents'. She is an only child and has had a life long struggle with weight. Like most of us, she has had her periods of "mainstream BABE DOM", but has again put weight loss, working out and health on hold to care for her parents'. Recently she began working out and is raving about how much less stress she has and how quickly she felt better; Not just physically but emotionally as well. We all know this don't we?

If not now, in the future you can bet we will all have to deal with being caretakers. While reading the March issue of Woman's Day, I ran across the article entitled " Stop Caregiver Burnout". I will provide you with some links that just may open the door for you to seek respite care or just offer you someone to talk with that can become part of YOUR support system. You may view the article in its' entirety at the aforementioned link.

Eldercare Locator: eldercare.gov 800-677-1116
Family Caregiver Alliance: National Center for Caregiving: caregiver.org
Leading Age: leadingage.org
Lotsa Helping Hands: lotsahelpinghands.com
SNAP for Seniors: snapforseniors.com
Visiting Nurse Associations of America: vnaa.org

For some time now, as our lives have changed and we have taken on more and more responsibility, we have begun to suffer from health conditions that were once attributed primarily to males. Heart Attacks, Stroke etc. Remember, what makes us unique as women, and the one support system women use more often than men, is sharing our burdens with friends, sisters, and moms. I'm not short on friends, but don't have sisters or a mother so I find myself having a greater appreciation of my female friendships. You girls that allow me to vent so I can go home and be a better woman, wife and mom help keep me healthy. Please don't underestimate the value of this. Sharing is a valuable component of being a woman. We cry, we confide, whine, complain, support and move on. Healthy venting is normal and a very useful tool. It gives us common ground so we don't feel isolated or like you are the only one with your particular woes. Access to this resource alone is the single most important purpose of this blog. Feel free to use our blog to reach out to others' that may be living in the solution, maybe your solution.

Who cares for the Caregiver? You do!

Until Next Time, CT

As I read the paper this morning, always the day's before, I came across this cartoon. I have actually done this. Have you ever hugged yourself? While in mental health school, a large portion of the education was based on self love and self acceptance; As you are, where you are. Most of us are taught to accept others' in this way. I wonder why it is so very difficult to apply those same principals when it involves treating ourselves with kindness and respect. At least it has been almost impossible for me at times. I have made a practice of being kinder to a stranger than I have been to myself, or changing a bad habit for a family member because they are important or it will benefit them, but I wouldn't stop the bad habit to benefit myself. I am referring to the year I quit smoking cigarettes. My son was 12, I weighed 135 pounds, and the deal was, that if I would quit smoking he would promise to never start. It worked! I quit, he doesn't smoke, and all is well, other than I gained 50 pounds when I quit smoking. We will discuss the notion of replacing bad habits with positive behaviors soon.

There was also an article in the same publication of The Dayton Daily News/Healthy Living section, that is apparently an ongoing weekly feature, this one entitled "Fight your 'love weight' with workouts, by staff writer Robin McMacken. She discusses the prospect that "obesity is contagious". I am going to follow the series and keep you "posted" about the hi-lighted content that is pertinent to our blog. This particular article spoke to the topic of how love can make us gain weight. I have personal experience with this topic. Food is love right? Per this article, scientific findings suggest that relationships bring extra eating and weight gain. According to a study by the Obesity Society, young women that were dating gained an average of 15 pounds during 5 years; women who were cohabiting, but not married, gained 18 pounds; and the newly married gained 24 pounds.

The "obesity is contagious" study published in the New England Journal of Medicine reports that if one spouse becomes obese, the other is 37 percent more likely to do so as well. They elude to the fact that once love strikes, workouts and regular exercise often go by the way- side because working out to attract someone has been realized.

Urban Active Fitness at the Greene Town Center in Beavercreek has tapped into this problem, and is offering a free personal-training session for couples or a free seven-day pass to the gym for single people. They go even further in helping couples by suggesting that instead of dinner dates, get yourself and/or partner involved in interests that challenge you both.

To give a plug to Urban Active, you may visit their website, www.urbanactive.com or call their Beavercreek location at (937) 427-0700. I have no personal affiliation with them other than my salon is in the same center.

This particular weight gain in love issue really struck a chord with me. I did the math. My husband and I have been married almost 16 years. The day I walked down the isle, I weighed in that morning at 135 pounds. So, if as the article suggests, you gain 5 pounds yearly, according to their calculations, I should have gained 80 pounds, which is almost exactly the amount I've gained in this marriage. Interestingly enough, "Husband" has matched me pound for pound.

I do want to take this opportunity to inject my support of this working out together theory. For the first time in our marriage, "Husband" and I ARE actually working out together. We are going to the YMCA 3 days a week, reporting our weights to each other, and working toward the common goal of being healthier, living longer, and slowing down our aches and pains, which by the way, are NUMEROUS!!! Aches and pains were the catalyst of this entire self-improvement journey for me. I awoke one work day unable to walk. For a profession, I have been standing on concrete floors for 30+ years, and that coupled with the weight I have been carrying around too long, took it's toll and culminated into the morning that instigated this journey and changed my life. I actually told "Husband" I was thinking about getting a walker or cane, and contemplated utilizing my disability insurance. The pain was excruciating, like nothing I've ever experienced and I have had 30 surgeries with hefty recuperation periods, have been an athlete the better part of my life, have had broken bones, and in the past year have begun having some pretty bad falls due to neuropathy in my feet and legs. This pain coincided with a recent change of family doctors'. I had been seen by a local internal med doc for routine things; colds, flu, etc., but in hindsight I now know he was avoiding discussing my weight problem and was not offering routine, age appropriate tests as he should. Let me say, I did ask for tests that I knew were necessary due to my age and medical conditions, diabetes testing, questions regarding my neuropathy and he basically said there was nothing we needed to do at the time, and that there is nothing to be done for neuropathy. This is irresponsible folks! On the Physician's part and on ours. We have to seek out support systems in our lives. Due to some problems in his practice, I sought a new Family Physician. Dr. Sarah Hussein, Miamisburg Family Practice. I credit her with shocking my ass into shape. Upon my first visit with her, she said "Carrie, you need to lose weight" and "you would be a great candidate for lap band surgery". Holy Crap! I know numerous people that have had bariatric by-pass and lap-band. No thanks! I was stunned. I looked at "Husband" and felt faint and like I had been punched in the gut. I quickly thanked her and told her I appreciated her saying something to me about it, but that I could handle this weight problem without medical intervention of that sort. The day of the first visit with Dr. Hussein, I weighed 262.9 pounds. Along with "Husband", she has become my personal cheerleader. She strokes my ego every time I see her, which is 1 time a month, just to weigh in and let her chart my progress and for a little stroking. Okay a lot of stroking. We are doing this together. It does take a village. At least in my world. What I'm saying here, is that as wives, mother's, friends, counselors, etc., we are so good at caring for and rallying around others', why don't we incorporate that same support into our personal lives? I'm just saying. It wasn't really that hard to ask for help...Okay it was, but once I had my own personal cheerleaders, including myself, it's been the easiest weight loss journey for me to date.

Now my plug for Dr. Sarah Hussein. She assured me she is always accepting new patients. Husband is switching to her as well. She is kind, patient, loving, and willing to refer you out to specialists if she feels something is beyond her scope. I don't know about you, but I've not experienced many physicians that possess this generosity without bruised egos. She referred me to an Orthopedic that informed me that I am currently "bone on bone" in both knees. He too had the balls to address my weight problem. Dr. Hussein realizes it takes a village as well.

Folks, it's not like I didn't know I was fat, or that I needed to lose weight. It just snuck up on me. By avoiding my reflection in mirrors from the shoulders down, cutting the sizes out of my Goodwill purchases, and avoiding trying on swimsuits, I have to tell you I was successful in denial for a very long time. It took someone doing their job to slap me in the face with facts to shock me into reality and to understand that in order for me to have quality of life from this day forward, I was going to have to love myself and invest in myself the same as I would for a friend or a loved one. Good luck on your journey...

As always, I look forward to your comments and sharing. Next entry I plan on sharing my wonderful resource, Teri Melton, swim instructor at the YMCA.

Until next time. CT

How it begins...

The scale will not move! I have been stuck at the same weight for 10 days now, have not cheated and have continued to work out every single day. By the way, I am stuck at 222.2 pounds having previously weighed 262.9 pounds, November 9, 2012. I am going back to a low carbohydrate eating plan versus low calorie, much to my husbands dismay; he is counting calories and prefers we use the same menu. Notice, I called it an "eating plan", not a diet. However, the word " diet" according to Merriam Webster is;

¹di·et

noun \ˈdī-ət\

1

: food and drink regularly provided or consumed

2

: habitual nourishment

3

: the kind and amount of food prescribed for a person or animal for a special reason

I just recently had my first colonoscopy, January 19, and gained 2 pounds. Who gains weight after having had nothing but 278 fluid ounces in 50 hours? I do! Following the colonoscopy, I decided it would probably be healthier to switch to low calorie versus low carbohydrate. I had the crazy notion that although I had been doing low carb with great success, long term, it would be healthier to follow a low calorie plan for life. Also, after two-and-a-half months of low carb, I was really craving fruit, cereal and vegetables. Due to being on this weight loss journey along with my husband and appreciating the fact that he does 80% of the meal preparation, I thought the switch would be best. However, I did not, in my thought process, take into account the fact that the husband get's 2 times as many calories as I am allowed. This is the first problem I would like to address with you.

Men lose weight more quickly because they are comprised of more muscle mass, which in turn causes their bodies to shed weight much more rapidly than women that are blessed with increased fat cells for child bearing purposes, and in my observations, men typically actually enjoy consuming water, just naturally without counting the number of glasses they have consumed before noon. I am sure that fluid consumption, or lack of, plays a huge part in ridding our bodies of waste. Ah, elimination! Most women I talk to experience at least mild constipation on a regular basis. Not typically so with men.

Secondly, I would like to share with you how long this self loathing struggle with weight has been going on for me. I remember my very first diet, and the very first time my family decided I was getting chubby. I was 10 years old, prepubescent, 5'2 and 119 pounds, June of 1967. Let me say here, my sister in law was a Beauty Pageant Queen, REALLY! She was 5'8, weighed 125 pounds and had a 20" inch waist. I don't have these numbers and facts written down anywhere, they are permanently etched in my soul! Due to the "family concern" about my weight, my mother bought a Donna Reed diet and exercise book for me as well as buying me a "health spa" membership. I was the only child at Holiday Health Spa, for years! I remember wearing the electric fat shaker jiggle belt and lying on the wooden fat rollers, which by the way was the cause of my first stretch marks that summer of 1967. Those blissful days of just simply being a care free kid, playing outdoors, being naturally active, and basically being concerned with everything other than my weight were over. Right then and there, OVER!!! From that moment on, I have counted every calorie that I have consumed, whether actively dieting or not.

Changing hats and becoming the mental health professional for a moment, I would like to ask all of you to think about what you are teaching your children. Not only through your behavior, how you eat, your work out habits, but also through what you project onto them about eating habits, dieting habits, who you admire for their appearance and who you admire and emulate because they are a scholar or humanitarian, the magazines you leaf through and admire. Sorry, that is a whole other topic I'm sure we will talk about soon. My motivation for this blog, is actually all about appearance...As my husband says, "you women dress and diet for each other". Men typically are not too concerned with a little extra weight on themselves or their partners. I know this to be true in my life as well as the thousands of women I have worked with in my career. Our image concerns affect our mental health, our physical health, our physical and intimate relationships and on and on. We are obsessed as a society, with thinness and perfection. Through medical advancements, we are getting closer and closer all the time to a cure for fat absorption and also through plastic surgery, the eternal fountain of youth. I can't count the number of ridiculous looking women who have the faces of a 35 year old and the voice, hands and physical health of a 70 year old. The number of women who are having plastic surgery prior to the age of 50 has increased by 50% over the last 10 years. Perfection is becoming attainable to the masses. But is that look better? I really don't think so. I want my eyes to shut when I sleep and blink, but I have to tell you, I am really tired of tucking my boobs in my pants. Oh, and this extra skin that I now have that falls over my panties. Those problems never occurred in my previous weight loss endeavors. My body got very comfortable being heavy. It kind of filled out the creases. At my last class reunion, everyone remarked at how flawless my skin was. As I informed them, 50 year old's that are heavy, don't typically have the loose skin issues thinner women have; those only occur following the weight loss. Also, I don't know about you, but something about weighing 200+ pounds took the joy out of sunbathing... Although, we do live smack in the middle of 50 acres, so I have been getting a nice even tan without the worry of vanity thanks to my blow up pool and the fact that no mirror in our home is below shoulder level.

Just briefly, I would like to get serious for a moment to talk about disordered eating. I have weighed as little as 92 pounds; that was November of 1991 and as much as 276 pounds in September of 2002. I have starved, dieted, vomited, purged, binged, worked out to the point of hospitalization due to exhaustion, and gained the same 5000 pounds over and over again in the past 44 years. I have lost 80 pounds 2 X and 100 pounds once before. I have dieted before every holiday, special occasion, vacation, wedding, summer, job interview, dance, date, blah, blah, blah. I possess the special ability of being able to look at any picture of myself and tell you exactly what I weighed at the time. Yes, from the time I was 10 on, I have possessed that ability. ALL because, my weight became important at a time of life that had I been allowed to be a typical, chubby, prepubescent child that had put on a few extra pounds prior to a puberty and a growth spurt, judging by the rest of my family, I too would have probably not been a disordered eater or had this life long struggle with weight.

I am going to share with you my professional skills that have brought to the place I am today. I am working at loving myself, being kind to myself, and giving myself the kind of love and support you give to your best friend or a family member who is struggling. It is working!!! For the first time in my life, I don't have a deadline for that magic number to appear on the scale that will make me feel fabulous about myself. I do have a number in mind, 160, but not a time frame. By the way, I am 5'9", and I happen to know 160 pounds for me puts me in a size 10. The old me is saying, 160 pounds? That's still too heavy, IT IS NOT!!! It is perfectly healthy and in the middle of the standardized insurance weight charts. Secretly, out of habit, the number 120 keeps spinning in my head. That is ridiculous! Let me say it again, RIDICULOUS!!! I have to tell you this is working. It has taken the pressure off of being a failure. For me, it's about being gentle with myself, and looking at myself in the mirror and saying " you are doing a great job" or "you are making great progress". I am also documenting the physical and psychological changes I am going through week by week.

I look forward to sharing this journey with you. Hopefully we can support one another and share tips on self love and how we are overcoming self loathing.

Until Next Time, Carrie T.